It's ALIVE

Yes, I am still here.
I just got the Internet last night.
We will just say things are a little different where I am now.
Mind you, I was no big city girl before. But Green Acres has nothing on me now. (maybe that pig in house, but that's about it)
I promise pictures to come. I am going out today to do a little "on the way to my house" montage.
We'll see who can guess where I am now.

SOON !

Now that it seems to have taken forever to get this move going & done with, it's going a little too fast.
We are supposed to close on Monday and the movers will be here on Wednesday! Unfortunately, I am 500 miles away from where it all must happen. So there will be alot of traveling between Monday (the closing) and Wednesday (movers).
Hopefully I will be able to show you some pictures of the new place very soon.
It will be nice to show you photos...since I've haven't seen it yet! Is that trust in a husband or just plain dumb?

Finally!

A baby I picked up from the hospital 3 1/2 YEARS ago was finally adopted today.
He left my house 1 year ago to go to his foster to adopt home. It was to be a very short time
until his adoption was to take place. Because his bmom had signed over her rights & bdad was no where in the picture. Never had been. So it should have been a no brainer. Right?
If they can mess something up I guess they are your people.
Why it took so long to get him to a foster to adopt home and then take yet another year is
a shame and a horrible injustice at the very least to that little boy,who should have had a home years ago.
(They knew we did not want to adopt, but I guess we were a safe "parking" place") 
Congratulations Big Ole Boy. I pray you grow up to be UGA's greatest football player of all time.
You deserve all the good things this world has to offer. I will always love you.

Reading Eggs

Who knew eggs could read! right?

I was looking around for something that could help The Boy not forget everything he had learned
this year in kindergarten. Like reading. Like all the 250 sight words I or I mean he worked so hard to learn. He likes to read books, but gets bored reading the same old books on his shelf over and over. And quite frankly starts to memorize them after a few times reading them, instead of actually READING them.  Those little reading books cost between $4-8. A trip to the library from the boonies where I live also costs a small fortune. So this is the alternative my frugal self found.
www.readingeggs.com     Reading Eggs is an Online Learn to Read Program
The site even gives a short placement test to see where to start your child out at. Even if your child is not yet reading, you can start from the very basics.
There are so many great educational things about this site, I don't even know where to begin.
Sight words, reading, word groups, counting, spelling, rhyming. It has everything that he ever brought home from school as homework.
Bonus: They earn golden eggs for each lesson completed. They can spend them playing some pretty cool games,which slip in a little education without them realizing it.
My only complaint it that it is evidently English as in England. The Boy was completely stumped on "a lamb in a pram" and "a man in a lift". In all fairness I helped him on those. I wouldn't have known what a lift was unless my Canadian friend Roz hadn't used the word and I asked,"Lift? lifted what, where?" He also had no idea what a Gay-Rog was either. At this point I did a brief explanation on accents and dialects. Also educational in it's own right. (Have you ever heard a southern explanation on how other people talk? Interesting and sure to hurt your feelings if you're not a southerner) They also use learnt instead of learned.
But I digress.
I really do find this the perfect summer time bridge so that everything I've paid to have him learn the last 9 months doesn't fall out of his head. 
Go,go. See if it's what you're looking for.
www.readingeggs.com

Life

Our life is down right boring right now. The Boy and I just sit and wait for things to go right with the new house. I refuse to even think about the actual MOVING part right now. After 20 yrs of moving every few years...I am too old for this crap.
See that first picture? The love that boy has for that dog is the only think saving that 3 pound bladder of pee. I can not get that dog potty trained. I don't even make the thing go outside. I'd be happy if he made it on the pee pad! And by the way, HOW on earth can a dog that little, PEE it's own weight 17 times a day?
One day the boy got into my 5x7 cards, which would normally get him a stern talking to. (cause mama needs those to remember everything from grocery list to breathing.) When I ask him what he did with all of them, he showed me. He made about 10 of these and taped them to my bedroom wall (which would usually bring on a talk about not puting tape on the walls) But all he got was alot of hugs, a few tears and his own pack of 5x7 cards. And I may have told him that one day in the very, VERY far away future he will make an excellent husband & daddy.        

What I did not expect

The Behemoth left as scheduled on 5/31.
I was not sad. My back,neck & shoulder were very grateful. I do feel bad for whomever took him, because I know they were not truely informed of all his behaviors and needs.
I have been doing this for more than 7 years. I have never gone more than a week without having
a foster*child in my home for all of those 7 years.
I have always felt at *dfacs* beck and call. Always felt my house must look a certain way if by chance they drop by unannounced. Felt horrible guilt or fear or both if a child was hurt in my care. Because what if they thought I had harmed the child. Oh the horror stories I have heard of lives wrecked because of false allegations. I always felt guilty if I took an hour to go to the store by myself, get my hair cut,nails done, ect. What if I ran into them and they wanted to know where a child was? (of course they were always with my husband or daycare) But I always felt my time and even my life were not my own, that I had to in some way answer to them no matter what I was doing. They may very well not have cared at all what I was doing as long as the kids were taken care of in the manner deemed fit by them. But it was my perception, therefore my reality.
When planning a well deserved vacation or just a weekend get-a-way with family I felt like a servant going to them with hat in hand to beg to be let free if only for a week. They had a way of making you feel like dirt to actually leave the child/ren behind to rest your body and spirit. And rarely did they make the arrangements in a timely manner, so that you were close to a breakdown when they finally called 8 hours before you were to leave to say they had *respite care arranged for you.
What I did not expect was a TOTAL weight lifted from me. A fear of being "blamed" for a child's injury. Or of my house not being good enough, clean enough.
I no longer have to have to make sure that my family's plans do not interfere with a child's dr,therapy, or visitation appointments. We can actually go out to dinner if we wish. It is a new feeling. One I have not experienced in so many years, I have forgotten how it feels to be free.
I did not expect the great PEACE that came with the decision to close our house.
P.S On the home searching front we have put in a bid on a little farm that was
accepted! They are to

do their part of the paperwork on Monday. I pray this closing will be VERY fast!

I love this woman

I always know when I can't put it into words that Cindy can & does.
I don't talk about my youngest daughter who is adopted and the issues she still has. Mostly because she reads my blog and second I am not one that really likes to rehash the crappy stuff. REALLY crappy stuff.
But Cindy lives it day in and day out with what I think is 39 adopted children. Go Cindy. I am not woman or human enough to do that. My one has been enough to do me in. (not the Boy)
Anyway my point was, Cindy hit the nail on the head today with post adoption issues of older children and the state of things to come with all the hard core drug addicted babies coming into foster*care.
She says it all in her post today.
If you are thinking about adoption or older children adoption, Cindy's blog is a must read, must read. She indeed tells it exactly like it is. Not the Hallmark version. But the really,real life stuff.
If you're not familiar with Cindy, go, go read her blog and be blown away.

    http://thebodiebunch.blogspot.com/

Soccer

My Boy did love playing soccer for the first time this year.
He did not understand why some kids did not follow the rules. It frustrated him to no end when a kid didn't listen or follow the rules. Do not use your hand and do not push the other players was a biggy to him. He would just walk off the field if someone broke a "rule" and the umpire did not call them on it.
He is a stickler for doing things EXACTLY the way he is told. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
In FP news, I was told the behemoth will be moved no later than the last day of this month. Honestly, it can't come fast enough.
On the house front, we have another bid in on a house. I surely do hope this one goes through. 20 years of not being together in the Marine Corps, I was used to & knew what I was getting. But this time of our lives was to be catch up time. Home every night kind of thing. 
Hopefully we'll know tomorrow if they take the offer on the house. Fingers Crossed!

BLAST FROM THE PAST

THAT I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZED I HAD!

Here we have a certain Boy having his very first hair cut! I thought we had lost this in the many computer crashed over the years.
I mean LOOK at that hair. Who has hair like that at the age of 8 months?
At the time "my wall" was so high and thick, I called him a ugly boy. I had to do something to guard my heart. Who could stand the thought that this Boy would go back or to a relative?? Today I would just as soon kick you as look at you if you said one cross word to MY Boy.
This exact same girl still cuts his hair to this day. Nobody, but nobody touches that hair but Ms. Wendy.
He still has those same fat cheeks, and head full of to die for hair. He's only gotten taller, and not much at that. I don't know what we will do when we move. 9 hours is a long time to drive for a haircut. Even a really good one.
Don't you just want to reach through the screen and pinch those chubby cheeks?

My Boy is Hilarious

You may have to be a cartoon aficionado to understand this.
But The Boy said, "Mommy, you have to come look what I made. I decided the make one of the bananas
on the commercial." The  little snippet of cartoon commercial comes on one of the millions of cartoon networks out there. A bunch (no pun intended) of bananas come out dancing and singing, ba na na na na, ban nan a nan, ect and so on, until it goes through your brain a thousand or so times throughout the course of the day.
And I must say this guy looks ALOT like the ones on TV.
He glued googly eyes and drew a smile on a piece of paper and taped it to the banana.
Either he's genius or I'm easily entertained. I'm not sure which it is.

Great Expectations

Today they called.
They wanted to know if I'd gotten the *recertification*packet to fill out for the following year.
I had not. But told her we would no longer be an asset to their organization under current expectations.
She did not seem to flinch. She said she had expected as much. There were No, "please is there anything we can do to keep you/change your mind/help you with." Just a, "well, I can't blame you.and I'll consider this your two weeks notice" Like I worked for them. Maybe they really don't expect FP to put up with all that's going on. I don't have a clue. You would think they had hundreds of FP to chose from instead of a handful barely hanging on.
So now we count down to see how long it takes them to find a placement for the behemoth. Did I mention I pulled a muscle and pinched a nerve in my neck trying to carry him? But I'm not one to complain. :)

I shall sit and type and spill my guts

If this thing doesn't shut down/drop the stupid post.(yes, I know stupid is a bad word, but The Boy can't read this yet)
I do not like this new whatever that is going on with blogger. I do not like posting on the lap top. It stinks.
I have officially hit my rock bottom with the fost3r*c@re system. I now have a bad attitude and quite frankly don't care. Not that I don't care about the kids or what happens to them. But I don't care to be apart of it anymore. My county in particular does not care about the FP.
(Ok, it just ate 2 paragraphs)
I know that our foster*careSystem is flat broke. I get that, I know that. But I am not your cab driver, nor your nanny. I can't and won't ferry one child to four visits per week with 3 different relatives. That is 4 visits with each relative. There is not enough time in a day. Neither do they care that if I did care to delve into that kind of insanity, MY family, job, so-called life would cease to be.
Do I understand that it is best for a child to see & maintain a relationship with their families? Absolutely! But I am one person. I can not do this. If by chance you have more than one child in your home that are not siblings, if it is so decreed, you would have to do that for each child. And this is just a tiny fraction of what they are asking us to do. I would have to work 2 jobs just to put enough 4.00 a gal. gas in my car to do all those visits. (no, we are not given a gas/mileage allowance)  And the therapy appts & dr appts, ect.
I don't see how this is going to end well (in our county). I see it collapsing like a house of cards. The frustrating part is that I have tried to make a difference and it is impossible. Maybe I can say I made a difference in the life of one or two children and that will be difference enough. I'm afraid it will have to be.
They have won. I do not care to live my life this way anymore.
As I type this, it sounds horribly selfish. I know there are more FP in the trenches and if everyone just stops when it gets impossible WHO will be there for the kids?
But I have a family too. One who at the end of the day I am too emotionally &  physically drained to do anything with or for. What good is that?
So I am done, finished, gave all I had. They will want to come this month for our yearly recert of our home. I will say no, then within days move the Behemoth to another home.
~sigh~
   

Long Time No See

I just had a HUGE thing typed up.
Blogger ate it! I know it was because I was complaining about it.
Maybe I'll try this again tomorrow!  

Daily Life

This picture has nothing to do with the subject at hand. It's just the only picture I have stored on my computer that it didn't eat when the computer crashed around Christmas time.

And my chief picture puter-on-er is only home every other weekend. So this is all I gots.

In other news...The Two that were, are no more. Not here anyway. I realized I was way in over my therapeutic parenting head when all hades broke loose when the girl child, bullied the Boy to no end ( she knew he was not allowed to defend himself) and then started in on me, kicking, punching, ect. Not to mention getting up on the bed and peeing (as in pulling her pants down on the bed and taking a whiz. All the while clawing her face. I may not know alot, but I do know when I'm in over my head and there's someone else out there that can do a better job and help where I am unable/unwilling to do.

I am now the proud taker-care-of, of a 33 pound behemoth who is in the range of 19 months.

There is a convoluted connection between him and the 2 no longer here. Same sad story, only the names change. He does not talk, not mama, dada, more,eat, nothing. But he sure can out whine the Whiny Girl who left in Dec. Plus it appears to be against his religion to walk, when made to walk he will fall to his knees full force and bang his head on the ground. It makes for lots of fun and crazy stares as people watch you drag said 33 lb child through a parking lot. Then the SW* seems to doubt the story and bmom^ swears he NEVER had this behavior when he was with her. The question begs to be asked,"and how would you know in your *drug induced stupor?" But that appears to be oh so un-PC to say. (call me a trend setter)

On the House looking front~sigh~ We look and look and have yet to come up with anything we can afford or want or isn't too far from his new office. We don't want to go back to his driving 55 miles each way everyday. So the search is still on. But hopefully not for much longer!

...More fun to come...

I don't have a clue

The Boy is learning to write sentences. Sounding the words out for himself. He asked for a "big" piece of paper. So I gave it to him and went on about my business.
I came back in the room later to find this huge sign hanging outside the bathroom door.
It reads, "Dis bathroom is taken and Dis bathroom is not taken. With boxes to check everytime I assume you enter or exit.
When I ask him WHY he thought we needed this poster outside the bathroom door, he said,"I need to know how many times people go in and come out of the bathroom." There are only 2 people in this house that use the bathroom. I don't get it. But it is very important to him to keep this poster up to date.
I will never understand boys.

Happy Easter Ya'll

The Boy doing the ole Egg Count. Even though he was the only one hunting them, you still have to make sure you got 'em all.
Hope your day was fun & relaxing.
We sent the Daddy back on his way to that "other state". And we sure do miss him already.
We spent all last week, our spring break looking for houses.
We are evidently too poor to live in this state. Every house seems to fall in the 60,000. falling down category or the 1.5 million w/ 10 acres of land category. Nothing in between. Depressing, depressing. All prayers are welcome!
More interesting news to come......

Sometimes you just have to know when to throw in the towel

And there is nothing like being kicked in the head and stomach that says,"Girlfriend, you're insane. You DO NOT have to do this. They don't care what you're going through with these kids.
But really the straw that broke the camel's back was the girl "chest butting" the Boy as he continually walked away from her assaults. Mess with my kid and I can be mama from hell.
Had it been any other circumstance or kid and I would have been in some mama's face.
I realized The Boy did not sign up to live his life like this, we did. And what kind of idiot would I be if I could not protect my own son from these assaults? If he treated these kids the way they treated him, I would have Hades to pay.
Tomorrow morning I will bid a fond farewell to these two and mark it up to experience.
I like to think I know my limits. I pray for them a placement* that can truly meet the therapeutic*/medical* needs they have.
On the other front, the husband/my sanity has been gone for what seems like years. In reality it's been 10 very long days.
We are hunting desperately for a home in the new state, but everything is either in a subdivision (never again) falling down or crazy expensive. This may take awhile.

I don't know how you do it

Well, most times neither do I. Or more importantly (most times) I don't know WHY I do it.
This came from their *therapist! At our last appointment the *therapist said,"I don't know how you do this time after time, kid after kid." Well, none of the kids I've had in these past 7 or 8 years have been as difficult as these 2. These 2 have been through/seen/done/endured more than the babies I usually take. I try to keep this in mind as one throws the 17th hissy fit/melt down/murderous rage in 24 hours or the other pees her pants for 3rd time while playing 5 steps from the bathroom, making up random lies & accidentally kicking her sibling in the stomach for 14th time. So sometimes I feel a little frustrated. Because there is no discipline I can gently toss their way that can come close to what they've endured their whole lives. (I WILL kick anybody in the head who suggests a sticker chart) The SW asked if their behavior overwhelmed me. I asked her if there were any other *foster*families* out there that could manage their behaviors & deal with one of them having active*herpes*outbreaks* every 3 weeks (which means protecting their families, other sibling & keeping him from any other kids/people (no daycare or school) for 7-10 days with every outbreak*??? She said, "Oh sure, there's lots of families who could/would do it." First BLESS THEIR HEARTS. Then I told her she would be the first one I called if I felt I could no longer deal with them.
You might be asking yourself WHY did this conversation come to take place?
I asked for respite* care so the Boy and I could go visit the absent husband for spring*break.
They told me I had used my 5 days of *respite we get per year, when I went to see my dad in ICU* and then the 4 days I was gone for his funeral.
YES, our county loves and respects their foster*parents.
Be a Foster*parent today. We need you.
I'm only slightly bitter and a lot burned out.

P.S -- I sincerely hope not all counties in America treat FP like ours do.
I'm sure there are good *agencies out there. I just don't happen to live where there is one.

HI !

Hi,
Where ya been?
Oh, that was me not YOU.
Let's see...where to start?
After my dad's funeral I went to Orlando. To the wonderful Early Trauma "work shop" I went to
last year. Corey Waters has sponsored this 3 years in a row. This year I think we had 90 mamas.
I always learn so much and create great friendships when I go. I love it.
If you'd like more info about it just leave me your email address and I'll be glad to answer any questions you have. (I wont publish your email address for all the world to see, I promise)
So a great time was had in Orlando.

Now to drop the bomb shell........
Maybe not to you, but it certainly was to me.
It's funny sometimes how God starts to prepare you for what He has in mind.
I was getting restless in "this place". Both the physical place & mental place.
And I was a *Marine's wife. I was used to moving every time the house got dirty anyway.
I can't tell you how many times I've told my husband "I hate this place" for one reason or another. We did not choose to move here when my husband retired. God chose it for us. (it was the only state that offered him a job...3 jobs) So God heard my cry, it seems.
The company my husband works for decided some cuts were needed in his field & he was low man on the totum pole. BUT, God heard my cry, and my husband's boss told his boss, ect, ect, and now Sunday my husband leaves to go to another state to work!
Better than being with NO job. And a state that I think I will be happier in.
Problem #341--We have a house that will never sell in this economy, in this area. EVER.
Problem #1 we could never sell it for what we even owe on it.
Problem #9876 The Boy is in school, it has been paid for. He has to finish school here.
Problem #2 We have no place to live in the other state & who can afford 2 mortgages?? Not us.
Problem #3 I have to stay here with the Boy until this summer, when hopefully most of this stuff can be resolved.
Problem #876 I hate being away from my husband, we were apart for most of our marriage curtsy of the USMC* and I do not make a good single parent. The Boy's teeth tend not to get brushed and every toy he has all the sudden needs new batteries that I have no idea how to change.
Problem #100 The children with more issues than I can count are still here. I feel morally obligated to see this placement through. If for no other reason to see that the oldest finishes the school year. So I will be here, alone, with them too.
Problem #5 Leaving my older girls here with our grandchildren.
Problem #01 Not living in the REAL south. I think of the new state as the "make believe, they wish they lived in the south" south. They can't really make fun of my accent, but it will be different than theirs. But I'll survive.
I plan to NOT do foster*care in the new state. I have put much thought into this & I feel God has made it very plain our f@stering days will be over.
So after this summer maybe my blog will turn into a living off the land/gardening/quilting/chicken raising/all organic meat/life after foster*care blog or something along those lines.
But until then I try to sqeeze as much crazy into this thing as I can write down.
Deal? ...deal.
Oh, and my computer crashed and I lost all my favorite blogs. Please leave me your blog link. I feel so left out.

Sorry guys

This blog has been interrupted to bring you real life.
It all started back in November with my step-dad passing kind of suddenly
and I'm afraid it's not gotten any better since then. It's kind of been one thing
after another. From foster*kids with more issue than southern living, my kids, the Boy's very expensive tree house/swing set having a huge oak tree fall through the middle of it. A car not being registered properly 13 years ago!! (a story I may try to tell later on) Having to buy a new to us truck quite unexpectedly and my computer crashing all the sudden.
my dad having a massive heart attack in early Jan. then passing away today.
And some bitter sweet/harsh news that I may be able to share with all of you sometime this coming week.
Bear with me. I promise I'll be back with so many crazy foster* stories and so many pictures of the Boy, it'll make you queasy.