Sunday, June 03, 2012

What I did not expect

The Behemoth left as scheduled on 5/31.
I was not sad. My back,neck & shoulder were very grateful. I do feel bad for whomever took him, because I know they were not truely informed of all his behaviors and needs.
I have been doing this for more than 7 years. I have never gone more than a week without having
a foster*child in my home for all of those 7 years.
I have always felt at *dfacs* beck and call. Always felt my house must look a certain way if by chance they drop by unannounced. Felt horrible guilt or fear or both if a child was hurt in my care. Because what if they thought I had harmed the child. Oh the horror stories I have heard of lives wrecked because of false allegations. I always felt guilty if I took an hour to go to the store by myself, get my hair cut,nails done, ect. What if I ran into them and they wanted to know where a child was? (of course they were always with my husband or daycare) But I always felt my time and even my life were not my own, that I had to in some way answer to them no matter what I was doing. They may very well not have cared at all what I was doing as long as the kids were taken care of in the manner deemed fit by them. But it was my perception, therefore my reality.
When planning a well deserved vacation or just a weekend get-a-way with family I felt like a servant going to them with hat in hand to beg to be let free if only for a week. They had a way of making you feel like dirt to actually leave the child/ren behind to rest your body and spirit. And rarely did they make the arrangements in a timely manner, so that you were close to a breakdown when they finally called 8 hours before you were to leave to say they had *respite care arranged for you.
What I did not expect was a TOTAL weight lifted from me. A fear of being "blamed" for a child's injury. Or of my house not being good enough, clean enough.
I no longer have to have to make sure that my family's plans do not interfere with a child's dr,therapy, or visitation appointments. We can actually go out to dinner if we wish. It is a new feeling. One I have not experienced in so many years, I have forgotten how it feels to be free.
I did not expect the great PEACE that came with the decision to close our house.
P.S On the home searching front we have put in a bid on a little farm that was
accepted! They are to

do their part of the paperwork on Monday. I pray this closing will be VERY fast!


StarfishMom said...

Glad you're at peace with your decision. I only wish I was strong enough to do the same...I'm not there...yet!

Mari said...

You deserve this - enjoy the calm and peace of mind! And hooray on the new home!

Anonymous said...

I remember the feeling after Mara was adopted and we no longer had the foster kids in our home that nobody cared what I did! It was such a weird and liberating feeling! So even though I haven't had as much experience as you, I think I know what you mean.

Good luck with the farm. I'm so excited about your move and your life transitions in general!

Kathleen Benckendorf said...

yay! yay for relief! yay for successful home contract! yay for being within driving distance of me for a weekend away from home! (Come any time!)