Friday, April 04, 2008


Today was the day.
The day we sent the 6 yr old boy off to live with his new foster to adopt home. I didn't say much about him, for many reasons. Mostly because I couldn't put into words how screwed up the system made this case and as of this morning's court hearing, STILL messing it up. This boy, had a disrupted adoption 9 months ago, was still having BP visits. Then the adoptive parents got fed up with the system, the Birth family & his behavior and literally took him to DFACS and left him there. Since he was placed with us,(9 months ago) I have begged, pleaded & beat my head against a wall to get him therapy. After 3 yrs in the system, he was living with us, (foster parents), having bi-monthly visits with birth parents he never even remembered living with AND started visiting with a new potential adoptive family! Now tell me, how confusing is that? Need I tell you he had some serious behavior problems, the least of which were temper tantrums when told, NO, or punished (going to bed early) for bad behavior @ home, daycare & school.
I would like to say it was a tearful goodbye. Hated to see him go, what will I do without him goodbye, but I can't.
He went to a wonderful Christian home. It was so perfect for him it was as tho God picked it for him. :) The parents seemed wonderful & capable, loving, giving people. AS a matter of fact, I wish they were my parents!
*long sigh*
I feel so sorry for those people. The honeymoon will be short lived. I told the mother ALL his behaviors. Think the worst actions you can, and this child has them. of course throw in the old failure to attach for good measure. the mother thought it was the greatest thing on earth when after the 2nd visit he was calling them mom & dad and saying I love you. I don't know about you, but that screams & then echos FAILURE TO ATTACH.
I've learned alot from this boy. When they called to place him temporarily with us, I thought how bad can a 5 yr old be? (insert manic laughter here) I learned.....we will not take anything other than what we said 5 yrs ago. birth-3 yrs. I learned.....5 yr olds have problems I've never heard of. I learned....failure to attach kids couldn't care less how mad you get if they pick the molding off ALL the corners they are standing in. I learned...5 yr olds in foster care KNOW there's not a thing you can do to them for any misbehavior. I learned...public school teachers blame you when they kid acts like a child with no proper upbringing. I learned...why I didn't send my kids to public schools. I also learned that love alone does not cure or fix or what ever you want to call it, a broken child. Who "broke" this child, by the way? The birth family, the system, the first adoptive forever parents who took him back to dfacs? Everything combined? I've learned..I've learned, there's alot of stuff I don't know, or know how to fix.
I'm not sad to see him go. Callous as that may seem. But he was not my child. I only protected him til his parents come to get him. I believe these are the parents God intended him to have.
I've learned...I may not be able to do this much longer and have anything left to give my own family. This thing, this system, this seeing what humans are capable of inflicting on each other, up close, may be too much. It drains you emotionally& physically.
I just don't know. All I can do now is pray for this boy and the man he will become and his new family.
*deep heavy sigh*


Anonymous said...

I think it's criminal that they wouldn't have gotten this poor kid some therapy. Even if he had ZERO behaviors (which obviously he didn't...), just his history alone would indicate the need for help. The system is soooo broken and it, in turn, breaks so many children unnecessarily. It's heartbreaking.

I'm glad for him, though, that he has had you guys for the past year, and I'm glad that his new family isn't walking into this blind. They have you to thank for that. And they all have you to continue to pray for him and for them as the next chapter in his life is being written.

Much love, friend. It's good to cross bridges in this process and learn how much more you can take. Sounds like you and your fam could use a much-deserved break.


Heidi Kellems said...

To me that's a bit messed up to try and place him in a potential adoptive home without TPR being done. I could NOT imagine if my 5 would still be able to have visits since the adoption isn't official yet. The system is broke but they can only amend and not fully change.

Perri said...

You've learned a lot and now those poor people who are so happy he's calling them mommy are going to be learning the same things.

I learned to do time outs with them standing in the tub. No wall paper, no wallpaper border, no molding and if they want to pee, it goes straight down the drain.

Anita said...

Yep, "the system" may as well be called "the failure" because we all know how unsuccessful it is... Time and time again I read stories like this where it seems the only one who knows is the foster parent. "The system" can't possibly know these children when they see them 20 minutes twice a month.

It is more than discouraging! Sometimes there just aren't words.


D said...

It's always so nice to know there are those out there who understand. I often wonde why you can't get the same support within your own foster care community. Strange...very strange.

Lovingmyamazinglife said...

I am thrilled he found a forever family,you are wonderful for sticking with him and not bouncing him around more than he allready had been.Take care and rest