Thursday, July 17, 2008


I'm not sure how to start this.
I'm not proud of it. Maybe you will judge me to be a bad person, an ungrateful person. And you may be right.
Sometimes when I am tired, because a little boy didn't take a nap or he acts up in a restaurant or I have to clean up throw up, or the little boy refuses to be potty trained, or finds the pencil that I couldn't find for an hour, and writes on the wall...or any number of things, I feel resentment creep in. I should be able to do anything I want at this point in my life. Work, go away for the weekend, go to dinner in peace. NOT clean walls.
Now to go back in time a little.
I had my 2 oldest very early in life. A military dr. did not follow any medical protocol when I had my gallbladder out at age 22, and said hey, you want me to tie your tubes while I'm in there? (I had told him I was done having children) I was 22 with 2 kids, and not enough common sense to look more than 10 minutes into the future. He tied my tubes at age 22, I was divorced 3 months later.
A couple years later along comes the most amazing man in the world. He was 36, never married. He knew I could not have anymore children when we married, he was fine with that. I was not. In my mind he deserved a baby "of his own". We tried to have the surgery reversed, but there was too much damage. NO babies.
We had the opportunity to adopt a 5 month old a few months after we were married and done it.(she's 19 now!)
But in the back of my mind he deserved a son, a son I could not give him.
I prayed God would allow me to give him a son. Crazy I know. I saw the surgery report, no eggs were coming out of those tubes.EVER. I prayed that prayer til I was about 40. By then I knew it was too late and too crazy. And who says He didn't answer my prayers all those years ago with our daughter? Plus our 2 older daughters who love him as tho he was their father.
Back to the resentment.....
At times it has got the best of me. Don't get me wrong I love that boy with all my heart. But God had to show me something and He had to make sure I saw it.
Today while watching a UTube video, of all things. God smacked me.
He said I heard your prayers. YOU messed up my plans for your life, by having the surgery. I did give you a son. I answered your prayers, not on your terms, but Mine. I gave you the son you prayed for.
The boy was born right before my 40th birthday. It was a miracle he came to us. Healthy, infant males are nearly impossible to get from foster care. Especially when your not looking for them.
If I would have become pregnant at 40 would I have resented it? I did pray for it after all. So why do I resent not being able to do the things I could do without a 2 yr old?
God gave me the desires of my heart, I will resent it no more. Sometimes I am a blind fool.


Carrie said...

What a good reminder of how we ALL get in the way sometimes of God's plan for us LOL

I'd say I get slapped by God on a regular basis. Oh yeah. Seems I have a hard head!

Have a great afternoon!

Lovingmyamazinglife said...

Anyone that says they don't struggle with this is lying.We all struggle with not being content sp? at times,always wanting more,or an easier road,the why me?.I have been so blessed and given so much and at times act like a total brat,so don't beat yourself up.

Isn't is awesome to hear from God in the strangest places,he really does have a sense of humor.

Kellie with an "ie" said...

D, I've been thinking about this very thing the past week - whether I REALLY want to give up our freedom to proceed down the adoption path. Thanks for letting me see that even if we do, and even if we're blissfully happy about it, there will be times when we'll look back and wonder, just for a moment, if we did the right thing. You're just human, and your little guy is lucky to have you.

LindaJean said...

Aw... I would not say God is really giving you a slap... rather a soft stroke on your cheek, reminding you about how thankful you really ARE for your little guy :) You are certainly not alone in wondering whether it might have been better IF... it is part of the human condition I am thinking :)

Perri said...

I think you honestly type what many think -- myself included at times. But we both know we are doing just what we are supposed to be doing.

Sarah and Jack said...

It's wierd to read this here today. God and I had a similiar little chat in the thrift store today, which I just finished blogging. LOL

Anita said...

My friend, D, you are truly human. I just love you!

AfricaBleu said...

Wonderful post--thank you for that. I really, really needed it right now.

Jemmers said...

I love how God works.....even when it drives me batty..I still love it! Thank you for sharing what He has done for you!