Thursday, December 16, 2010

Too Much Thinking can drive you nuts

Cindy's last half of a sentence on her blog here made me stop for 30 minutes contemplating more things than I care to think about.
"What made me think I could make a difference?"
Boy #1 will be leaving tomorrow at 6:00pm. 48 Hours notice after 19 months of a long, hard road, just isn't enough time to process anything. We told him he would be leaving to live with so & so. He looked at me for a minute and said "OK" It's a bad time to be moving a *RAD child. First you'll have the all too wonderful honeymoon & then the all consuming idyllic Christmas. I can see a huge crash coming, ohhhhh mid January? When real life kinda kicks in. For both child & adoptive parent.
I have sat here and thought of Cindy's words for some time. Realistically, what difference have I made in his life or any of the lives of the children I take in and care for? This is not a oh poor me, nobody appreciates what I do moment. The question is real, to the gut, real. I offer a roof,bed, food & a hug and things to play with. Period.
To answer Cindy's question. I honest to God can not think of any difference I have made in their lives. Why do I advocate for these children & not even the policy makers follow their own rules. That my friends is the definition of beating your head against a wall.
So, do I settle for not making a difference in their lives. Parking a kid in my house, no emotions shown (because that is what they want) Or do I continue to beat myself up because I feel I have failed yet another child. I don't know if I can do either. But I also don't know if I can NOT open my house up to a child who needs a roof.
Too many things going through my head tonight. And I still have another one of these transitions to make soon enough...


Mari said...

You have not failed! You've taken care of them, physically, mentally and spiritually. You've been there for them and done all you could. I don't think you would be able to do it without showing emotion and I don't think it would be good for you or them.


He had me at "ok." A classic sign of RAD. And the workers will document that "transition went smoothly" because they have no clue what they are doing and no clue how serious RAD is or even what the symptoms are. I did this for 3 years as a nurse and 14 as a foster parent.I came out of it much wiser, no longer starry eyed and disgusted and sad with a system who does more harm than good.

Mothering4Money said...

Right there with ya. It's so frustrating (and heartbreaking), isn't it?