Saturday, April 12, 2008

OPEN VS. CLOSED

Thanks to all of you who answered my nosey question! I promised my answer, so here goes. I hope I don't ramble on...
Our first adoption 18 yrs ago was private. We had no intentions of telling her she was adopted.(she had been with us since she was 5 months old) But because it took 8 yrs the state of Ca. said a child over such & such age had to be aware they were being adopted. We had to tell her. She was 8. We were livid. Livid that we had no choice in how we raised our daughter in that aspect. But what we did have control over is what she knew of the situation she was taken out of. I can tell you, it was bad. We decided her records would be sealed. Not the kind of sealed David's is going to be. But the sealed & burned of the 1950's type. Never to be opened type. I know my daughter & her personality and it really is better for her not to know the whole thing. She knows 90% now. The other 10% no one should ever know.
This is the explanation of David's adoption when I asked if we got a choice.........
David's adoption is considered a closed adoption because his records are sealed at the State office of Adoptions after the finalization. BUT....he can request the information on his birth parents to be able to search them out once he is an adult. The birth parents can contact the State office of Adoptions and say they had a son who was adopted through child services in whatever year and was born in whatever year and then the parents sign a consent to be contacted and if you guys and David want to get the parents' information at that time then the State office will give that to you and David. They will not give the parents the information about where he was adopted or by who.
I guess that is the excepted form of closed.
Will we tell David he is adopted? I don't know.
I know this is a very, very touchy subject. And even though we've had 18 yrs to iron out the wrinkles in the adoption tell or don't tell/why not tell. It's still hard to know what is best. I can tell you, I think my daughter would have been alot better emotionally not to have known. I'm sure any psychologist would argue that point into the ground, but I know her.
Again, thanks for telling me your side of things.
We are looking forward to Tuesday and it's sure not because it's tax day. Although from now on April 15th will be known as David's Day. I'll try to post pictures, if I can remember the camera!

3 comments:

PeWee said...

You have to do what is best for your family in your eyes. It IS a touchy subject. Nobody knows your family, your children, like you do.

IMO, even though you didn't ask, :) is that each adopted child has the right to know they are adopted. It's part of their story.

"David's Day" is a much happier one than the dreaded Tax Day! YAY for David!

Mindy said...

So glad David's day is upon us!

I'm with Anita...I think that children have an entitlement to their histories, but she's also right that every situation is so very different and you know best for your kids.

In our case, there's no choice, so it's never been a question for us. With us being pasty and the girls both being brown (not to mention the prenatal alcohol and drug exposure that I obviously had nothing to do with...), it's more than obvious that they were adopted anyway.

Best wishes and huge congrats on the 15th!

Min

Mindy said...

BTW, you still have to tell me that story you promised to tell about your 18-year-old's adoption...with the bio-mom returning, etc...

Love ya,
Min